| RAPTURE DAY!!! |
[21 May 2011|11:07pm] |
Dearest Live Journal.
It has been fun. It's been sad. I've done a lot of growing up with you and you were always by my side...
Alas I've made the decision to make this my final post. It's been a long road lasting almost a decade. I'm sorry I never fully came back to you...but the memories we have will never be forgotten.
When I started this journal in 2002 I was a senior in High School. I had a lot to learn...I had just recently came out of my shell and was finishing transforming into a social butterfly. I was still in my genesis of what I like to think of life long friendships. I had no idea what the word Love meant. Music had finally come to the front lines of my life. All of this had shaped where the rest of my life is going. In fact, Nick Thornton saying "I write my papers in school like I do entries in Live Journal" has shaped the style/flavor of my writing approach over several media outlets.
Sure at the apex of this journal it had a lot of friend building. It's seen my transition jobs. I find it fitting I ate some Arby's before I posted this.
But over the past few years it really has become a place as a low point...Vague, angst ridden messages basically sent as a snapshot of how I was feeling helpless or lost.
These times have generally been about the female variety, the same kind where I lost the ability to sleep and put me in a downward spiral in the workplace that I am still climbing out of.
The consistent theme of them all, Whitney Jolene Milbocker. The first girl I dropped the "L" bomb with. The first heartbreak. I'll never forget how she became my CPDG. Ironically the pain of being rejected twice but having her date one of my best friends I believe helped be a catalyst of why we didn't make it. I love her. To deal I was depressed. I fought and fought and eventually I came up with this sick, twisted notion of her happiness was more important to me than anything. While I don't think that's a bad thing...it has become my tragic flaw as used in ancient mythology. My Achilles Heel I suppose. That was followed about how my friends were my brothers and sisters and that they are the bond that holds my life together.
Years go by. We end up having amazing chemistry and start to date. It was magical. Everything I feared at the beginning were almost non-factors. I thought she would lose interest in me, I feared doing the same. I would like to say that to this day we still love each other.
But why aren't we together? It was the fighting. This being my last post in the journal (shall I create another? Probably...but whateves) I kinda wanted to sum up the experience. This will be my reference point. I thought my jealousy was to doom us. But it didn't happen like that. It was hers...I thought at first it was healthy, it showed she cared. But the level of it just consumed me. I felt defensive all the time.
A highlight reel of sources of fights. Any female friend was to not be trusted. All of my guy friends were scamming to make me cheat. My gay female friends had hot friends that just wanted to fuck me. My playing World of Warcraft was online flirting, borderline cybering with girls. I did something I never thought I would do, I gave up one of my best friends completely and shut another one almost to the same level...
Her and I tried to talk, but if I stayed silent, it was just giving up my right to be heard. If I said anything, that became me trying to prove her wrong and not hearing her at all. There just wasn't any reconciliation....
Oh but she tried. I know she did. But time and time again I remember sitting next to her on her bed...and her saying "How can we go on...." This type of talk started in the beginning of winter and continued over and over. And then she cut her self....That part actually made me realize that I was hurting her more and more. That I wasn't happy with having the feeling of being attacked and yet still hurting her. If it was just my suffering, I might have been able to deal with that. But to see her hurt, It reverted to my original philosophy. Her happiness was at a pedestal over mine.
A few things that I have learned over the years is the strength of my friendships. But unlike the Adam of High School I have earned self respect and some self confidence. The old me would have just completely quit everything for her. I almost was at that point again. I love her. I really was always trying to figure out the future for us. The first person that actually made me want to move, start a family do whatever it is that people do when settling down.
But a talk I had with Marshal's grandmother made me think. "Whatever problems you have with someone will be 10 times worse in marriage" Also desperate housewives when the speech was given of "If you guys are fighting like this over something trivial..then sure break up. Because what is going to happen when something serious happens? This bullshit is meaningless" - NOT VERBATIM. But either way, I realized that the relationship was toxic when the flesh of her body was done harm. It was an outward manifestation of the inner pain she was feeling.
Oh and I will always remember how hard she tried. I'm not trying to focus on the negatives...I just know I will find myself reading this later in life, wondering...dreaming of what could/should have been. I want to remember that I made the best choice possible for both sides.
That choice has been made more evidently clear by actions of late. We started texting. Her friends shut me out. I know my friends do not approve. But I didn't care, she started talking like things had actually sunk in. I was building hope.
But then the allegations came. I'm not saying I took a high road, I got drunk and texted her. I made accusations once. But even before that fateful drunk dial, everything she was posting killed me. Talking about haunting her...I just wanted to see her, hold her. I wanted to work it out...but the way she was so quick to attack I knew it wasn't time. I can't blame her. We've both been hurt a lot.
Oh that totally gets me to a big factor. We both have this awesome game of playing the victim card. I swear it's like trying to win through pity. It's just in our nature I guess. Now these last few weeks has been trying to get the best last word in. Maybe this is my last attempt at it? Maybe I am totally hoping that she reads this. Not because I want to haunt her, or hurt her. But maybe she will think about how this is probably the best for both of us. I want her to know it hurts when she says "You don't want to be with me, but you want to use me" I do want to be with her...we just can't be together right now. I can't focus on the positives, the negatives happened every week at the end. It was toxic, oh so toxic. I absolutely, positively love her. I will always love her..she is the first person to take my heart and will always keep a piece of it. Whitney, if you ever read this and get this far....I want you to know that. I also want to say I'm sorry how everything has happened.
Will this story ever continue? Only time can tell. Here I am at 11pm on Saturday night, spending my time alone, writing this. I am not even going to proof read this. This is just a straight hour of what I'm thinking. Have I missed points? Absolutely I'm sure. But I feel like this will suffice.
Not wanting to leave on a sour note...After all, the glass is neither half full nor empty...it is halfway to another glass. I sit here a man. A man trying to gather his confidence. I man grasping at his eternal optimism that future holds dark days, but many amazing days to make it all worth it.
I big step, that I am excited to do? I am not attending a major music festival this year. Lollapalooza, WEMF both were my open options. Giving up on those to do something I've never done. A solo vacation. Destination: New York City. Friends there: Rachel Herman, Blair Mellow. It's definitely out of my comfort zone. It'll be new and exciting. I love my camping but oh boy do I love my cities. My trip with Angel, lackluster. Rachel, one of my best friends. Eccentric, funny and probably one of the most sincere people I know. The introduction to Music Festivals. Introduction to photography, more depth into Detroit. First warehouse party, Intro to the beat generation. Blair. I solid figure of friendship. Genuine care, well spoken and someone that possesses a high degree of emotional intelligence.
New place, not with my normal crew. It'll be interesting. It is exciting. I feel like a new chapter of my life is starting. Imma miss that girl...but I'm going to dream and strangely enough, pray for her happiness. Whitney deserves it. But I can't let that consume my life. I know it will be a long time before I date again....but the notion of being alone for the rest of my life is not desirable but becoming more realistic. I don't want to be sad. I have always said I have an old soul. Maybe I won't find marriage because I am in the wrong time frame.
Only time will tell.
Live Journal, User name Sushibubba. Fare thee well. I'll miss you. I'm sure I'll gaze from a distance. Thank you for taking care of me this one last time. With the theme of Whitney, this is actually one my steps of not haunting her. If I am to move on...I figure this is a step forward for both of us.
Liebe,
Adam Yung Soutar "Sushi"
PS. Today was supposed to be the coming of the Rapture. I figured it made sense to be the death of this LJ on that date. I'm fucking retarded.
- fin -
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[19 May 2011|01:12am] |
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Not that I think I have any friends on LJ anymore...but I will be making a closure post on LJ relatively soon. It has been fun. BUT if you are on here and want to stay in contact. Comment or whateves and I will add you through another social media.
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| ... |
[18 May 2011|11:22am] |
As always at odd with our opinions and expressions. A peaceful resolution? I hoped there would be one before Iran/US get one...
Sigh.
"It's no small time thing organizing my ending
My book of life
Is a "Choose Your Own Adventure"
With a circular section
You can tell your friends I walked all over you
But you know that's not what these boots were made to do"
"I am no destination
I am just the journey
So don't go settling on me, love
No, don't go settling on me"
♥ Sage. Fuck Me. Keep Moving.
- fin -
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[15 May 2011|04:50am] |
Sigh.
I miss her.
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[12 Mar 2011|01:41am] |
Can't sleep.
This
fucking
blows.
I love her.
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| Reference in time. |
[12 Mar 2011|01:22am] |
Broken up Via E-mail. This is where I am at at 25.
- fin -
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[20 Nov 2010|11:10am] |
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Can't do anything right...
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| Alas. |
[10 Aug 2010|03:21am] |
So my life has seemed to taken a drastic turn...A lil' confusion, wonder and fear.
I'm some sort of hybrid Adam/Sushi at the moment. Me at 17 and my current self.
Where I'm heading I do not know...But somehow I'm ok with everything ♥
I tried to step with caution and I find myself running at a full sprint. The wind feels good =)
I also now realize that I'm going to keep writing one liners and no one wants that. This is why friends don't let friends post at 3:20am while sleep deprived hahaha.
IF ANYONE ELSE IS OUT THERE IN LJ LAND, LEND ME THINE EARS!!
I just wanted a roll call, who is still strolling these sacred grounds? Also, suggestions for a revamp of my LJ?
^^Futile attempt, but amuses me.
- fin -
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| Ahh |
[28 Apr 2010|09:39pm] |
Dear Live Journal,
I'm trying baby. I really am. The allure and majesty that is LJ is on my mind constantly....But with the ease of so-called "micro blogging" with Facebook and the instant gratification of responses keeps getting in the way.
I just wanted to let you know, you are still my love and I will be coming home soon.
Liebe,
Sushi
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| ? |
[02 Feb 2010|01:48am] |
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Gemini. It's time for you to fly away - to flee the safe pleasures that comfort you as well as the outmoded fixations that haunt you; to escape at least one of the galling compromises that twists your spirit as well as a familar groove that numbs your intelligence. In my astrological opinion, Gemini, you need to get excited by stimuli that come from outside your known universe. You need fertile suprises that motivate you to resort to unpredictable solutions.
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| Arg |
[29 Jan 2010|07:32am] |
I'm not depressed.
I suppose just kind of stressed. I feel like no matter how hard I push, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not waving, I'm drowing....lol POS March 16th bitches.
That is all.
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| Salutations LJ |
[07 Oct 2009|01:43am] |
I've been gone for awhile.
To be honest, I've not really done a lot of on-line social interactions as of late.
But I think I'm coming back to you.
I've got a lot of shit to organize in my life. I would like to chronicle this point in my life and say "Hey, it was kind of a dark time at that time..."
Then be able to honestly laugh it off.
So...
Guess who's back?
Back again?
Sushi's back.
Tell a friend!!
^^Lame reference lol
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[31 Jul 2009|06:45am] |
Arrrgggg
lol
Don't know what to do?
What to say?
The ultimate thing I can think of to show I care...
...is to walk away.
But does that solve anything? Human nature always show running is easier thank standing up for the fight!
But being just a one man army, what can I say?
I can move mountains =) But I may have met my match. Defeated before the asension begins...it's crazy to be at the base and feel like the journey's been mostly about the descent.
This ramble makes sense in my head. But I also did not even attempt to lie at rest last night. So I'll sprint through the day and after my body/mind/soul have had it's rest...
I'll probably feel retarded. This whole ordeal has me feel inspired/crushed all in one well timed blow.
I wrote you a message that took 45 min. to come up with. With a few quick keystrokes it was all gone.
Adam, remember...
One breath at a time.
One breath.
One.
- fin -
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| Hmm... |
[30 Jul 2009|04:16pm] |
Today is kinda peaceful...
They say right before you drown you enter a state of euphoria...
I know the truth...well part of it. I feel like I've stopped treading water and now I'm just sinking in it. I'm at peace (not quite euphoric) but I'm calm. I could sleep last night. Now I just have to decide do I swim back up or do I sink further?
lol
I = Gay
I = Know that
/sigh
Peace, love and Sushi rolls y'all
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| Ok this is easy.... |
[29 Jul 2009|07:44am] |
Inhale.
Exhale.
Good! Now rinse and repeat!!!
Step 1. Complete.
Perhaps I need to stop living day to day and change my focus to living breath to breath.
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| hmm |
[28 Jul 2009|11:14am] |
I stand by Fall being my favorite season...(Spring is a very close second)
But there is one thing that summer has going for it....
The Music. The atmosphere. The people.
Closest thing I have had to a "spiritual" experience is at these events. I don't know why I was just thinking about it. /shrug. It reinforces how I live my life though....I have memories that will never escape me. Those memories I have, the relationships that I have built will influence my life until the day I die.
Music = ♥
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[23 Jul 2009|09:11am] |
I think I'm going bipolar lol.
Is it weird when I get in a "funk" in a sick, twisted kind of way...I enjoy it?
Lol it's the whole duality of life. I mean when it rains it pours, but that makes the sun feel that much better eh?
lol
Now I just feel goofy, and I've typed "lol" too much (Nick would kill me)
This should WILL be a good weekend =)
\m/.(X.x).\m/
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| /sigh |
[22 Jul 2009|01:40am] |
Can't sleep.
ugh
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[14 Jul 2009|11:32am] |
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Lucid Dreams....
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